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Southern Charm Reunion Recap: Why You Always Lyin’?

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I didnt think I was going to bother recapping the reunion, but I also didnt think I was going to make it this far into this show without throwing myself off the Triborough Bridgeexcuse me, Robert F. Kennedyso here we go.

Probably my favorite thing about reunion shows is how everybody tries so hard to look good that they end up looking like drag queens. LESS IS MORE, Y’ALL. Craig looks beautiful as always. Call me.

Andy Cohen asks Shep if he had a late night with a lady last night and Sheps like,

HOLD THE FUCK UP. Why was I not informed that Craig the cast was going to be in my city? I feel personally victimized.

But anyway, Kathryns facial expression regarding Shep’s comment also sums up my own:

Like, if you watch this show and would still fuck Shep, you are seriously disturbed.

Landons earrings are gigantic. You know what they say about the bigger the hoops… Patricia isnt here. COME ON PATRICIA! Im starting to rethink calling you the Lisa Vanderpump of South Carolina because Lisa always shows up to talk shit rather than relaying her shady messages through her son! Ugh. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.

Andy: Does anyone else feel like the show doesnt represent them?
Shep: Nope, I really am a fuckboy. Cameras dont lie.

Bravo.

Shep has a Speedo shtick apparently which I never noticed. Christine from Rhode Island, youre paying way too much attention to this show.

Shep: I try not to be disrespectful to women; I love women.

LOL SHEP fucking women does not mean you love and respect them. I bet Shep has a black friend too.

Shep cant even keep a straight face when saying hed rather talk about literature than women.

Andy calling out Cameran for not inviting Kathryn to her dinner party is awkward, but Im glad someone called her out. Cameran basically says she doesnt do things she doesnt like, i.e. invite Kathryn places, because it gives her anxietyfucking newsflash: doing things you dont want to do makes you uncomfortable. Literally every human is like this. This is called a comfort zone, and we all have them.

Kathryn calls Cam out for calling her birth tawdry, Cam tries to deny it and then THEY ROLL THE TAPE. Cams still like I would never call the birth of your children tawdrybut you just did tho we all saw it… wow, denial is a potent drug. Can I get some?

Cam wont get coffee with Kathryn because theyre not friends and theyd have nothing to talk aboutwhich is kinda why youd get coffeeto get to know someone Cam, your argument’s kinda falling apart here.

Kathryn:

When did we make T. Rav a thing?

Fuck you Andy for teasing me and making me think wed finally get to see Camerans mysterious husband who I could probably just Google, but that would be way less fun.

Craig tries to say that his tacky-ass promise ring that he gave to Naomie is their engagement ring. I would strongly advise you to take that back before your relationship vanishes in front of your eyes.

Why does Shep care so much about whether or not Craig took the bar? OH HOLD UP, CRAIG IS NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE THE BAR BECAUSE HE NEVER FINISHED HIS THESIS.

OMFG. HOW DUMB ARE YOU. You had one job!

Shit. Maybe dont call me. At least I’ve still got Prosper from AYTO. Where one reality TV bae fails, another succeeds. That’s the saying, right?

YAS Andy thank you for calling Landons meetings with Lockhart “cringey.” That doesnt quite even begin to capture it, but youre on the right track.

Wooo apparently Shep tried to hook up with Landon back in the day and Landon rejected Shep. My, how the tables have turned.

Kathryn: Irrelevance doesnt exist in my brain

That doesnt quite make sense but I feel like it would look really good printed on a sunset and hung up on my wall.

Savage-ass Shep is like Landons gonna have to get used to seeing me with other girls bc its gonna keep happening and IDGAF.

Landon, basically:

Woof, apparently Thomas took Landon on a trip that was supposed to be the Valentines Day trip he and Kathryn were supposed to go on. NOW it makes sense. The photos, the pineapple, the hatred. I guess I need to start doubting Kathryn less. Maybe.

Kathryn says Landon fucks everything she sees. Landon points out that shes fucked everyone on the couch. Pot. Kettle. You two should be friends.

Cameran calls Kathryn paranoid for thinking Landon and Thomas slept together. Did we all watch the same finale or nah? Gas lighting is a bitch, yall.

Whitneys story for Kathryns shit being at his house is that she went to a party next store and she asked to change in his bedroom?

Kathryns giving very detailed anecdotes and descriptions and its clear that unless shes a really fucking good liar and/or has broken into Patricia’s house just to try to use her coffeemaker, shes telling the truth. Whitneys like well maybe shes describing a real situation that happened 3 years ago but were not talking about it. Fuck you, Whitney. Just admit you lied. All of you guys should be politicians, not just Thomas. I do love the playback of Whitney, caught in a lie and sputtering like a fucking idiot. Whitney blames it on the moonshine. Oh my fucking god. STFU, T-Pain.

God I sincerely hope that if Thomas and Kathryn fuck after this reunion show, they at least use a condom. Some viewer wrote in to ask if theyve ever used protection. YAS QUEEN.

Footage from me watching this on my couch:

Patricia called them morons. I mean, birth control is nearly free in this country and they still couldn’t wrap it up, not once but TWICE so I’d say that’s a fair assessment.

Kathryn: Aw, isnt that funny, she has something to say other than martini

LOL

Some viewer who has no chill asked Thomas why he wanted to have a third kid with Kathryn if he didnt want to marry her. SAVAGE. That was awkward to watch. I thought Kathryn was going to cry.

Thomas.you are the father!

Kathryn to Landon: I dont wanna be your friend, dumbass.

Said in pretty much the same voice and tone as:

WELP RIP your shot at being cordial with these people next season, Kath.

Kathryn says shes on antidepressants because of Whitney and Patricia. Thats uncomfortable.

Kathryn and Thomass Twitter feud makes no sense. Dont you guys have each others phone numbers?

Thomas: I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible. I have 2 nannies with them right now.

Lolwut?

Kathryn calls Thomas an alcoholic and says he does drugs. Landon says Kathryn just failed a drug test. Thomas tells her to stay out of it. IDK I did see a shady-looking internet article that she failed a drug test tho. Kathryn, in true Kathryn fashion, ups and leaves. All right. Guess we gotta wait until next week for answers more avoidance tactics. At least the show stays true to itself.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/southern-charm-reunion-part-1-recap

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