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Southern Charm Recap: Shady McShadeballs

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Not that any of you care, but I am on vacation this week and don’t have cable, so Im watching this shit in the morning and I need a full cup of coffee before I begin to delve into this debauchery. Be prepared for even MORE stray shots from me because now I can actually pause what Im watching to properly roast everyone.

Cameran is trying to get ahold of Shep, meanwhile, hes drinking daytime gin, which is definitely not a thing.

Craig meets up with his former boss because its time to stop running away from his future. K.

Craigs trying to brag like and his former boss is like and Craig does a total 180 like Which is debatable. But sure.Craig wants to know its not too late for him to be a lawyer and his former boss (who Im just gonna call his mentor bc Im taking a leap of faith here/too lazy to keep typing out “former boss”) is like,

Awkward silence ensues.

Mentor: It sounds to me like nothings changed. Deep down you must not want to be a lawyer. How can I give you advice when you havent done anything to further your career?

Mentor is basically like Craig is like Craig is basically you when you were 7 and wanted to be an astronaut. BTW, you’d be so awesome at being a lawyer that you cant buck up and take the fucking bar exam? Okay. Now I’m seeing glimpses of #OldCraig, and STFU commenters, Im not going back and watching from the beginning because I have A FUCKING JOB. Also I don’t think I can find all the earlier seasons on bravotv.com. But mostly the job thing.

Mentor: Pass the bar and if you mess that up Im going to be really pissed.

Def not foreshadowing at all.

Shep is drinking a paloma. Good choice. Bailey, who is decidedly NOT DTF, meets up with him.

Shep: Bailey is different than every girl in Charleston because she seems to like me.

Reach for the stars, Shep.

This is an incredibly awkward silence. I can just feel the chemistry from here.

Sheps like, Bailey drops the C-bomb: not the word cunt, but the fact that she wants commitment. Shep tries to pull the and Bailey is like

YAS KWEEN. TAKE NO PRISONERS. ACCEPT NO FUCKERY.

Shep, you suck.

Shep: butbutwe can flirt still!
Bailey: Nope.

Shep: I want to have my cake and eat it, too which isnt very fair.

MAN UPPPP YOU ARE PUSHING 40 JESUS H. CHRIST.

Omg Cams mom is adorable. Move over, Patricia! JK stay right where you are. LOL loving this dog pillow. I want it for my apartment.

Cams mom is like, 70 years old and poss prettier than me.

Cam talks about the baby thing with her mom.

Cam: If I woke up tomorrow and was pregnant Id be like OMG my life is over
Cams mom: Well obv you dont want a kid.

Fucking duh.

Cams mom: Theres nothing wrong with not having a kid. Any fool can have a baby.

Go Cams mom! Not exactly Gloria Steinem over here, but I appreciate you not being totally old-fashioned and stuck in the 50s like the rest of these fools.

Cam greets Shep (whos probably late tbh) at the house shes selling with a Can that be my nickname?

Why do I feel like weve seen this house before? Why do I feel like Ive watched this scene before, with Shep clearly talking out his ass and nearly knocking over furniture? Dj vu.

Shep: See this little compartment was so people could hide their jewels and guns from the Northern scoundrels in the war.

Cameran: Hes Northern, Shep.

Shep: Oh. Well. Uh. The right side won anyway. Boo slavery, etc.

Shep is the worst bullshitter ever. I hope he wasnt an English major. This is BAD.

Cam needs to rip Shep a new one.

Cam: I dont think you really put in the effort.
Shep: No I def didnt. But I will next time.
Cam: There is no next time.
Shep: Are you firing me?

Idiot.
Shep: Whatevs, I need more time to take more naps.

Kathryn and Thomas take their baby home. His name is Julien because Thomas just HADDDD to sneak the French in there. Hes talking in a fake French accent all the way home. Thomas is LITERALLY my dad. Once my dad decides on a fake accentRussian, Japanese, 2Chainz impressions, you name ithe is not giving that up for at least the better part of a day.

This baby is really cute though. AND SO TINY OMG.

Shep, JD and some weirdo with a ponytail meet at a bar and JD is still wearing those newsboy caps my dad wears. Why is every man on this show my dad?

Shep hits on the waitress because OF COURSE HE DOES.

Thomas meets up with them and is like low-key delirious sounding. Hes super stoked to have a boy to carry on his name, presumably so he can be the feudal lord and pass down his property and DNA mutations to the generations to come.

I did not want to hear or see any comments about his babys balls. Thomas also informs us hes not circumcizing his baby. I also really do not want to hear Thomas screaming about his cock. AND, I did not want to know that Shep is circumcized. So much unwanted dick info. BRAVO, STOP SCARRING ME.

Whoa dude, I did not realize Thomas was 53. Damn, Kathryn, how deep ARE your daddy issues?

At some restaurant, Shep just asked what a lamb is. Like OK I know some people dont know what veal is but Mary Had A Little Lamb? Did you NEVER ask?

Whitney meets up with him. These people are ALWAYS drinking. IDK why I’m saying this like it’s news.

Whitney: I dont think Sheps ever been loved.

WHO HURT YOU, SHEP?

Whitney: At some point you gotta ask yourself if youre ready to hang up the cock.

Shep: Chasing bitches never gets old.

Whitney: Chasing pussy never gets old, but having someone to spend time with is nice.
Thank you, Papabear Whitney. Now please never say the word “pussy” again.

Back at Kathryns Julien is being cute af as usual. Move over, Kensie.

In an insane plot twist, Kathryn actually LET Thomas go out the other night. Whoa dude.

Kathryn: If Thomas and I are going to make this work I have to let Thomas be Thomas.

Turns out pregnancy hormones actually make Kathryn MORE sane. Maybe she should have more children?? Wait. Actually. I don’t know. This is a real tough one. TBD.

Shep comes over to Landons with a bottle of wine.

10 minutes into wine and chill and she gives you this look:

Landon: Seriously, like Im serious.
Shep: Im seriously glad to see you taking this serious.
Landon: Seriously.

Uh, are the Kardashians here?

Shep tells Landon hes single, HERE. WE. GO.

Landon: I was kinda jealous when you were getting serious with her.
Shep: Why?

SHEP, YOU KNOW WHY. YOU CANNOT BE THIS DENSE.
Landon: Maybe I love you

Shep spits out his wine.

Oh this is awkward. POOR LANDON. IM SO SORRY.

Shep: Uhidkwhy?
Landon: Ive loved you for a long time.
Shep: I never knew.
Landon: Dont be an idiot of course you knew.
Shep: How could I know all we do is laugh and have fun together
Landon: Exactly.

Shep, in gif form:

Landon’s dog is literally me right now.

After that rejection, Landon prepares for her meeting with Lockhart wearing a see-through blouse which Im not sure is the best wardrobe choice. TBD.

Does this guy casually own a home in Charleston or is he staying in a mansion-turned-b&b?

OK I like her little scrapbook but why didnt she build a website because she said she wanted to make a website?

Andddd thats the first criticism he has. I should open up a consulting business.

Lockhart: You would get laughed out of the room if you pulled this shit in NY.

Like, this was exactly what he said the last time: Build a prototype. And thats exactly what you didnt do. WordPress is free, Landon. Ouch. Two rejections in one ten-minute span. Go have a drink, Landon. You earned (?) it.

Thomas and Kathryn are co-parenting and Thomas was like and she says Real subtle. It’s been like, 5 minutes of you guys being cordial. Maybe chill.

Kathryn: I have my fingers crossed things are going to keep going this way bc this is the family I want.

I hate to be like, un-feminist here, but Kathryn, this is kind of on you. Keep being sane and this could work out.

Thomas thinks Kathryn should cut Jennifer off. Kathryn thinks shes pretty good at reading people. LOL good one.

Theyre about to kiss and then Kensie like, almost hurts herself or something. Cock-blocked by their own child. Ouch.

Patricia is preparing some sort of dinner party in honor of Thomas and Kathryns new baby. YAS. But like, I wonder if shes inviting Kathryn? This could get juicy.

Shep bought the baby a little tuxedo which I DEF want to see.

So far no Kathryn. But also no women in general. OK so Patricia is throwing a party honoring the person who literally had to do the least amount of work in order to conceive a child. K.

Craig gives Thomas the gift of condoms. YES CRAIG.

Patricia: All the blue is in honor of Thomas and his recent achievement.

Soyoure throwing a Great job not pulling out party? Seriously?

JD asks how Kathryns cooking is and Thomas is like

Some dude named Tommy is talking about a Founders Ball, setting the stage for some drama to come next episode, because we know the claws come out at black-tie events.

This dinner party is shots fired. JD insults Craig for not doing work, Shep tells everyone Landon confessed her love to him. Thats kind of, like, a dick move.

Patricias like,

Patricia: I like that Landon did that. It shows shes fearless. Shep would be lucky to have her.

Shep: Im shallow Im like a puddle when it comes to emotions.

At least hes self-aware? You know what, no. Thats not good enough anymore.

JD pushes the paternity test issue ONCE AGAIN. Not sure what his dog in this fight is, but okay.

Apparently the last time Thomas took a paternity test for Julien, the results were inconclusive. What the hell does that mean?? Uh oh. Shady McShadeballs.

Craig drops the bomb that at the time of Juliens conception, Kathryn was dating someone else.

The kid in the top right corner is me rn.

Patricia: Lets face it, it wouldnt be the first time shes told lies. Big-time lies.

DUN. DUN. DUNNNNNN.

Cant wait for this dinner party next week. It’s basically gonna be:

But not in a good way.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/southern-charm-from-here-to-paternity-recap

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