Possibly The Most Sociopathic Dear Betch Email We’ve Ever Gotten

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Hey betch,
Since you’re the role model, the inspiration and pretty much the Messiah (and your site is like the holy bible or something), I’m here asking for your advice. And my friends cannot listen to me bitching about this anymore.

I will start saying that I’m a senior in high school. Sure, I know that this might be super amateur and pedestrian but I’m sure that somewhere in girl code, you do not look down at a fellow betch’s problem or something like that.

So, there’s this guy who was a really good friend of mine, let’s call him Jake. I’m two years older than Jake and that really creates “hierarchy” in the relationship, he’s a sophmore. Jake would create extreme sexual tension and he is known as a total heartbreaker and and a fuckboy.

At this party back in January, we went for a walk and I really tried to hook up with, however, he just got together with this girl and he didn’t want to cheat on her. Ugh, grow up. It doesn’t count if you’re drunk, amirite?

We laughed about that incident and a month later there was another party. We got much closer over that month and I really wanted something to happen. At the party, we went to talk in a room and we finally hooked up. We did everything besides penetration and me blowing him (because I will be the one taking advantage, thank you). I’m pretty prude so it was kinda a big deal. He wanted to go all the way and he really pressured me into it, however, we’re both virgins. First of all, we didn’t have protection, so “no glove, no love”. I’m not gonna get knocked up at some stupid party and ruin my life. Also, he will not know to “pull out” and I do not take risks. Second, he has a girlfriend! Nevermind that I hate her (cause how can you not), I will not be the other woman! Also, I don’t want to be just another hookup! If it wasn’t at a party, sure! And he doesn’t know I’m a virgin (who can’t drive)! He thinks I hookup all the time (but not in a skanky way) and I can’t destroy my reputation!

So two days later he wanted us to talk about it. I was super stressed because I was sure he’s gonna be mad at me even though he has no reason and also, what if he were to say “what happens if I break up with my gf and we’re together?”. So during the whole talk I told him it was just a hookup, a one time thing and that he shouldn’t feel guilty with the cheating and everything and he shouldn’t ascribe so much importance to it.

It’s been now two months, he is still with the gf (who doesn’t know a thing). At first I was totally laid-back, chill and cool and he was the paranoid one. He stopped talking to me at one point and I want to think it was because he started developing feelings for me (ew sorry for the cliche). I can’t stop thinking about him and I really need to hook up with again or find someone to distract me.

A week ago at my bday party, I got super drunk and from what I remember, I said: “When you break up with gf, we’ll pick up where we left from.” and “If you didn’t have a gf, this thing we had would have continued”. How embarrassing.

That’s pretty much it.

Please help.

p.s I really wanted to insert refrences and quotes for you to xtra like me but I saw in a different post you weren’t very impressed. 🙂

Dear BSCB,

Sorry I answered this email like a month late, hopefully this is still relevant. If not, its not like anybody ever updates me on how these things go. Which, BTW, I would love.

But, anyway, Im celebrating National Wine Day as we speak and theres not enough time in the world to address you in a coherent paragraph style, so Im just going to quote your own sentences back to you and then explain why youve got it all wrong, to put it veeeery nicely.

Sure, something like that.

No, bitch. YOU grow up. It doesnt count if youre drunk is ABSOLUTELY not a thing. When it comes to cheating, I mean. Eating, yes. Cheating, no. We cover this a lot in our book, but basicallyand Ive been saying it literally for years nowcheating is never betchy. Hooking up with someone elses boyfriend is never betchy. Stop being a gross Becky and actively pursuing this guy you know is taken.

Wow, are you like, a rapist?

Yeah, Im sure your health teacher is very proud of you.

But just were. Do you think being the other woman only counts if you actually had P in V sex? Cause Ive got some bad news for you

Omg you are soooooo delusional. HE. HAS. A. GIRLFRIEND. You already ARE just another hookup. Im praying for you.

Yeah so when we preach about the virtues of not having feelings, were not talking about not having a fucking conscience at all. He should feel bad. So should you. If you, like, killed someone would you be like,

YES. Find someone to distract you. Primarily a therapist.

LOL aggressive. Look, this guy does not want to be with you. Period. End of story. Full stop. Another euphemism for Im done talking here. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldnt have gotten into and stayed in a relationship with someone else instead. Like, so not how it works.

Theres really no digging yourself out of the hole youve dug. Pray nobody finds out about your Beckyish ways, maybe switch schools, definitely read our book, and tell your teenage hormones to chill the fuck out. There are other guys in the sea. Leave this one alone. Until you can calm your raging hormones, no sex. Its for your own good.

Because I Said So (And Because Youre Insane),

The Betches

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