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From the time Trump’s tweets disappeared to David Davis’s Brexit diary: satirists take on the news

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Joe Lycett, Ayesha Hazarika, Grinne Maguire and Nish Kumar take a fresh look at the year as part of our comedy special

What happened that time Trump disappeared from Twitter? Only Joe Lycett knows

On 3 November 2017, President Donald J Trumps Twitter account was taken down for 11 minutes. For those moments, the world had no idea what he was thinking or feeling or watching on Fox.

Until now: a Russian hacker I once matched with on Bumble has acquired the presidents emails sent during that time. They are reproduced, exclusively for the Guardian and in full, here.

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly, White House chief of staff

Subject: DO I EXIST??

What is it to exist, John? Am I just the sum of my senses? Am I merely what people say I am? Or is there more to existence than just space and time? Could it be that there is another dimension? I am pondering these questions, and I trust you have the answers.

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: DO I EXIST??

Have you had your nap today Donald?

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

No I have not had my nap you SAD LITTLE MAN, and I will tell you for why. Because I am ABSOLUTELY LIVID!!!!1 Why???? Why dont you search my name on Twitter you IDIOT DOG? Actually dont bother. Ill tell you what it says!! It says Sorry, that page doesnt exist!

I ask again John you WEIRDO: DO I EXIST???

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

OK give me a minute Ill call Twitter HQ.

J

From: POTUS

To: Christopher Wray, director of FBI

Subject: TWITTER!!!!!!1

I know youve BLOCKED MY TWEETS!!!!1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG PLAN A GREAT PLAN!!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: POTUS

To: Barack Obama

Subject: TWITTER!!!!!!1

I know youve BLOCKED MY TWEETS!!!!1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG PLAN A GREAT PLAN!!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: POTUS

To: Kim Jong-un

Subject: TWITTER!!!!!!1

I know youve BLOCKED MY TWEETS!!!!1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG PLAN A GREAT PLAN!!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: Kim Jong-un

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: TWITTER!!!!!!1

Yeh I did it and so what stupid fat man???? Lol

From: POTUS

To: Kim Jong-un

Subject: Re: Re: TWITTER!!!!!!1

DONT CALL ME FAT!!!!1111

From: FLOTUS

To: POTUS

Subject: Very frightened

Donald I am very scared they are saying you do not exist? Mxxx

From: POTUS

To: FLOTUS

Subject: Re: Very frightened

Melanie, I DO exist! DO NOT FORGET ME!!! Kim Jong-un did it!!! I think the bosses at Twitter are sorting it. Nice guys! Can I use your account for a bit???

President Donald J Trump

From: FLOTUS

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Very frightened

No Donald, not again I lost too many followers last time. Why do you call me Melanie? Are you having an affair Donald? Mx

From: POTUS

To: FLOTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Very frightened

AUTO CORRECT BABE!!!1

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Theyre on it. Apparently a prank by a rogue employee on their last day.

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Yes yes how long John? How long can I live in this PATHETIC PIT OF BOREDOM? Melania is petrified and I have a GREAT tweet about Crooked Hillary. How can I be SILENCED and yet CNN still be allowed to SPOUT LIES???

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Any minute now Mr President. Whats the tweet?

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Dont you DARE tell me how to use words John. I have THE BEST WORDS. NUCLEAR HORSESHOE!!! AMBIDEXTROUS BARNYARD!!!!!

The tweet is Crooked Hillary should stop WHINING like a SAD GRASSHOPPER. We won!!!! Go and cry on Bills shoulder you HAIRY CANDLE!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

OK. Your Twitter is back online. Love the hairy candle tweet but maybe save it for later and do a statement about the rogue employee?

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Its asking me to log in do you know what my pw is? Do the Russians know??? ASK THE RUSSIANS JOHN!!!!11

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Your login is @realdonaldtrump and your pass is thispasswordisthebestpassword123.

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Thank you John you are a good guy. Ive always said that. I CALL THE SHOTS THOUGH!!! No calls for the next 30 minutes Im having my nap. Nighty bless.

President Donald J Trump

***

Grinne Maguire gets a peek at deleted chapters from Ivanka Trumps manual for working women

Ivanka
Photographs: Reuters, Alamy, AP, PA

In May, Ivanka Trump released a guide for women in the workplace, Women Who Work. Finally, after huge public demand, Wikileaks has released the chapters cut from the final edition.

1. Get your promotion

Say youre a busy single mom working in McDonalds and you dont feel your skills are being utilized. I hear you, sister! Im just like you. Architect your best life going forward. Get a mentor! Go for a coffee with Richard Branson, it doesnt have to be as formal as a dinner; youre both busy people. If Richard is out of town, see if Anna Wintour is free for a game of tennis. Yes, she doesnt work in your field but maybe she has the insight that could stimulate the next idea. Then arrange your meeting with your boss and tell Mr McDonalds why you deserve that raise. If he refuses, just smile and get your dad to fire him.

Inspo: Design a life that honours you! Queen Elizabeth The First

2. How to influence policy

A lot of people think making a stand means actually saying words out of your mouth. Not so. Think like Taylor Swift, shes a feminist but in a way that manages to reassure people who love women and people who hate women, too. Thats winning. Say your boss has decided women in your office shouldnt be allowed health insurance, maternity pay or access to inside toilets. Thats an opportunity! Offer to speak to your boss, but just use the time to sort out who is going where for Christmas and laugh about what a freaking mess your sister Tiffany is. Then leave and say your boss is really listening to women. Youre a woman and he listened to you. Just dont let on about your secret private toilet because women are so horrible to the pretty girls, right? Nevertheless she persisted.

Inspo: What is the blueprint to your happiness strategy going forward? Cleopatra

3. How to check if your
stepmother is a robot

Sometimes stepmoms can be hard to read: is she a mom, a sister or a cyborg programmed by the CIA because your real stepmom has scaled the gates again? The key is sudden loud noises, tickling behind her knee or suddenly shouting, Dad isnt breathing! If Mom doesnt react, let the nearest special agent know its a bot day. If she starts shrieking with joy, then angrily cursing you in Slovenian, its just a regular stepmom moment. Every day a woman inspires me.

Inspo: If You Cant Handle Me At My Best You Dont Deserve Me At My Worst! The Snow Queen

4. How to put the cool in complicit

Sometimes its hard to pick the right outfit that says, sure, Im using the white blond conventional good looks society has trained us to associate with moral virtue to normalize the race war, but how can I still have fun with it? It can be tricky. You want an outfit that says by day, Im reassuring people its OK to blame Muslims for the banking crisis but at night reads more, Im a hoot at dinner parties. Luckily my fashion range bridges both those challenges theyre sexy enough to guarantee a wolf-whistle from your dad but theyve been made in China, so theres the reassurance that a foreigner has suffered making it. Listen to women.

Inspo: Sometimes you have to throw a tiara on and remind them who they are dealing with. Margaret Thatcher

5. Emergency impeachment kit

We all worry we might have to flee at short notice, right? I keep a handy Ivanka Trump Diplomatic Immunity Suitcase under my bed at all times. Youll just need your passport, a Russian phrasebook and cyanide capsules. Also, scented candles.

Inspo: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway! Marie Antoinette

6. Self-care

As women we are always too hard on ourselves. We all have bad moments! You know when your kids cant sleep, your husbands night screams are keeping you awake and you cant shake off that vague sense of gnawing, corroding guilt? You want to sleep but every time you close your eyes you see your younger self pointing at you and shouting, Shame! and then everyone is pointing and shouting at you as you get bundled into a car by the FBI? I find crystals, lavender and listening to Disney songs on repeat at full volume helps, because it reminds you: you are a princess and everything is going to be just fine.

Inspo: She believed she could, so she did. Joan of Arc

Grinne Maguire hosts a podcast, What Has The News Ever Done For Me?, available now on iTunes

***

The diary of David Davis, aged 69 years and one week

David
Photographs: Rex/Shutterstock, PA Images, LNP

Whats the Brexit secretary been up to? Nish Kumar has the scoop

The Guardian has obtained a copy of what appears to be Brexit secretary David Daviss personal diary from 2017, found on a bench outside the Tunbridge Wells branch of SuperSquad Paintball.

1 January 2017
Happy New Year, DD.

Spent NYE with the guys from my Andy McNab book group. Got a pounding hangover. I feel like Ive got a Boeing AH-64 Apache helicopter hovering inside my skull. In spite of that, really looking forward to showing Brexit whos boss (me).

Yours drunkenly, DD

29 March
Morning, DD.

The PM triggered article 50 today, and theres some chat in the office about how I should spend more time at work and less time on the climbing wall in my shed. I tell them to pipe down, and that the climbing wall is where I do my best thinking. (After all, thats where I came up with the idea of having T-shirts for ladies to wear that say Its DD for me across the boobs.) So I think its pretty clear Im not going to solve Brexit sat behind a desk. Im going to solve it by getting my climb on.

Yours at altitude, DD

9 June
The morning after the election. Theresas had a shocker. Sending her a pick-me-up present. A Keep Calm and Carry On mug and an Its DD for me T-shirt should suffice.

25 June
What-ho, DD!

Just had to do an interview with the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation (lol). They were asking about our Brexit reports I fobbed them off nicely. Weve got 50, nearly 60 sectoral analyses already done, I said.

Took the rest of the afternoon off to have a good old climb.

Yours muscularly, DD

17 July
Bonjour, DD (obviously this is ironic; we both know I dont approve of French in any way, be it the language, the people or the toast).

Turned up at the EU for a conflab with the pencil pushers of Brussels. I walk into the room and give it my classic greeting: Achtung Eurowankers its double DD. True to form, the absolute squares had turned up with piles of notes. I had nothing, like a legend. Just flashed the pearly whites for a quick photo op that the papers lapped up. I pretended to pay attention for a couple of hours and then left to sink a few strong Belgian lagers. When in Rome (Brussels) and all that.

Au revoir (see above), DD

26 October
Hey, DD,

More questions about the impact reports. I brilliantly bought us more time by saying they had excruciating detail. In reality, Ive just got a piece of paper that says Brexit? on it, and then some ideas for possible SAS codenames for yours truly. Current fave the Silver Cobra.

Yours anonymously, the SC

6 December
Bad day. Had to fess up that we havent so much done the reports as we have not started. Copping some serious flak in the press for it. Might have to start doing some work. Been walking around the office, quipping that, Ive worked so hard pretending to work that the real thing will be easy, and everyone was loving that comment, silently.

7 December
To be absolutely fair, the EUs Wikipedia page is very informative.

11 December
Been riffing out some absolute gold in interviews in the last couple of days. My Territorial SAS training has really helped, especially the stuff about staying composed under pressure and how to do up your tie nicely. Got a question about a future trade deal with the EU, and Ive said we want Canada plus plus plus. This basically means itll be the same, but itll be written in ALL CAPS and in a way better font.

Then clarified the stuff about the impact reports by saying we dont need them, and dropped this pearl: When you know those things, you know what you need to know. I think Ive got my next T-shirt slogan. As long as I can work in something about tits.

12 December
Getting some blowback after saying the agreement was a statement of intent and not legally enforceable. Guy Verhofstadt has got his Euro-knickers in an almighty twist and is getting harsh. Normally I would admire the no-nonsense vibe of a man quite literally called Guy, but this bloke is absolutely doing my head in.

14 December
One of the lads from the McNab book group suggested an afternoon of paintballing. And I needed it, Ive been working upwards of three hours per day and DD is DDrained. This is what I need to clear my mind. Im going to be a more considered and detail-oriented DD. Nothing is going to escape my attention.

That is the final entry. The diary was found among full printouts of the Wikipedia pages for Brexit and article 50, as well as a hand-drawn comic entitled The Silver Cobra.

Nish Kumar hosts The Mash Report, which is back on BBC2 on 18 January at 10pm.

***

Amber Rudds election night in 10 text messages

As leaked to Ayesha Hazarika

Amber
Cmon Rudders get a grip youre better than this. Photograph: Kevin Coombs/Reuters

00:21 to: Bestie

I cannot BELIEVE this. Two recounts??? Ive just done some terrible interview with the BBC where I look like Im about to lose it. Is it all over Twitter? What was I thinking of with that stripy jacket?

00:22 to: Bestie

How long before Quentin Letts calls me the love child of Tootsie and Bertie Bassett? Twat. Dyou remember when he said I looked like Dustin Hoffman after the sodding election debate Theresa May forced me to do?

00:23 to: Evil twins

Hi Nick and Fi. Please call me. I havent heard a peep from Theresa or you guys? You did make me do that debate remember?

00:24 to: Evil twins

This is all your fault anyway. If you hadnt put Theresa in a witness protection scheme, none of this would have happened. Snap election. I know what Id like to snap.

00:26 To: Lynton Crosby

Hey Lynton. Long time, no speak. Left you a few messages since we spoke about the leadership thing. We should hook up again. Im free now. Just waiting for my recount. Im totally going to be OK.

00:27 to: Me

Cmon Rudders get a grip youre better than this.

00:28 to: Bestie

Do you think I could go back into film? Remember Four Weddings? I was so good at co-ordinating all the aristocrats. Thats why Id be a shamazing Tory leader. If only Hugh Grant was PM!!

00:29 to: Constituency office

Why did I EVER want to represent this hellhole? I only went for Hastings because I wanted to be within two hours of London. What is and Rye anyway?

00:36 to: Bestie

Oh. My. God. 346 votes! Thats not a victory, thats a prison sentence. How can I mount my leadership bid now? Bet Ruth D is loving this. Shell be down here looking for a seat before you can say Barnett formula. I need some of whatever Emily Thornberrys on.

00:38 to: Constituency office

Ignore last message. I am of course delighted to continue to serve the fine people of Hastings and Rye? (pls check), congratulate Theresa May and thank her for her strong and stable leadership. Issue that last bit to the press ASAP.

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